The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Let's get the cat blown out
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
