maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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