she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I could fuck to npr.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
