god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
