listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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