I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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