Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize