A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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