clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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