thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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