sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
