Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
