dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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