so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
