Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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