I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
