Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
