You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize