new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Is it because I queefed?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
