Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
do herpes really smell.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
