My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
