Just fell off a train. Bad.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
