I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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