I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
