im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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