Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize