I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize