It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
