Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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