we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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