Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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