Got a toothbrush?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
