so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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