You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
