Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
