I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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