hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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