Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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