I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Someone came in the potted fern
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
