just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
