Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
