and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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