I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
