respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize