I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
