I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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