I feel like I'm in dance class right now
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
