When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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