My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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