Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
