chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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