So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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